I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
