i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
