beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
