I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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