Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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