I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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