Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
