i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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