i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
