You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
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