"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
