my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize