oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
farters have to be the big spoon...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
