im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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