I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
