somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
