Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
