I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
