"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
