Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
