see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
