i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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