hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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