You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
