So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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