We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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