turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
