Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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