Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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