you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
