he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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