the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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