I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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