did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
