a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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