Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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