I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
