Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
