this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
