I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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