i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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