so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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