If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
