Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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