weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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