I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
