like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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