I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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