I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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