You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
