They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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