I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
