Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize