just tell him i said nine months
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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