I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
