I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
