If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think your dad took our porno
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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