Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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