I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't put those talents on a resume
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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