Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Even my vagina gasped.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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