and you said cock pushups were impossible
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
