He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
