Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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